relationships are hard...

and this is probably my first one with weird, as we say, "power dynamics". I was ready to break up with him, or at least scream at him, when I planned my whole day around hanging out with him at a specific time on Sunday, and he arrived three hours later. But then as i stroked his face, and told him, tears streaming down my face, how horrible it was to spend hours waiting and listening to every car that drove by and calling him every cinco minutos, I looked at the pained look on his face and I started feeling horrible. He then proceeded to tell me how he needs to correct the exams for the class he teaches before he can get paid; he has about three pending cases where none of his clients have paid him, and if he doesn't finish his three essays for his masters he will be kicked out of the course, despite years of working on classes, which he may be already. Basically, he had to beg his mom to lend him money to take the bus to see me, because he had to choose between that and calling me, and calling costs twice as much: about ten cents.

It's not just that he's broke, it's that even with a master's and a law degree, the chances of getting a job in this country (which has a 70% under/unemployment rate) are very, very slim. Without the security of a job, it's impossible to do much of anything beyond hanging out at each other's houses. He told me this the first day I met him. "I am poor," he had said. "Do you know what that means?" I told him I couldn't say that I did, never having been poor, but that I wanted to do everything I could to see eye to eye with him, to understand him, and to enjoy each other as people, which doesn't cost anything. And I'm trying. When I want to go out someplace with him, I think about the cost before asking. Most of the time, I actually enjoy just hanging out at home, watching pirated DVDs, talkign about books and dreams and big ideas. Neither of us want me to loan him money, because that's creating another level of weird power dynamics, but there aren't any free fun things to do here, and sometimes I want to experience some of this city I live in. (The national theater, which used to host all kinds of free concerts, was privatized, and when energy was privatized, the costs of air conditioning shot up, forcing them to raise prices to three days' wages for the average nicaraguan for a concert.) I feel fine making this "sacrifice", but then again, feel like a brat that it's even an issue, that he is working his ass off and doesn't know when he'll be getting the ten cents to pay his mom back and I'm feeling slighted because I want to spend my "hardearned" paycheck on booze and concerts and night clubs.

So, we went to his house that night, and I read while he corrected some exams, and I watched telenovelas with his mom, and we slept peacefully in each others' arms. I remembered how much he gives me, and how much we share that has nothing to do with money, and I feel at peace. At the same time, this issue won't go away, and I want to be mature and strong and very aware and yet...