fiona apple still rocks, obviously

This morning I thought about the ways in which we define ourselves in relation and in opposition to various things. This is especially salient in DC, where how we define ourselves also dictates how we decide to process and act on new pieces of information (think tankers think of the next report to write, organizers think of the next meetings to call and people to outreach to, funders like me start making mental lists of places to fund). For me, this has recently been in terms of geographic location. In Maine, where I grew up, I always felt a little off, and in California, people would always tell me that I never seemed like I'm from Maine. None of this is of any consequence, except that I've always seen myself closer to the urban side of the spectrum than, say, my family, who moved to Maine to build their own house. Anyway, for the first time in my entire life I called that into question as I walked to work today. The reasons?

1) blood on the sidewalk. the savagery of thinking that steps from where I slept, someone's skin was punctured enough to draw drops and even dried pools of blood. I don't know why or how or when, and I am supposed to walk on and buy some burritos or maybe delicious not fair trade and overpriced coffee (yes my weakness) instead of care. Granted, most mornings I do walk on, but today it made me feel uneasy.

2) close to death man. i feel like i should give him a nickname. he has many cuts on his head and his hair has dreaded into one single shield. he always sits on the bench at bus stops, smelling so strongly of urine and shit that when he sits down, I've seen people get up out of their seats and even walk several feet away from the bus stop. I have seen a bus driver close the door in his face. He will often jerk himself off on the bench, but it never seems repulsive in the same way as a guy that'll motion for you to come watch while he jerks off in his car. it reminds me that i'm not a city person, though, because as moving as this brazen display of the fallibility of the human spirit may be because it may remind me of common attributes that we all share, it still strikes me nearly every time that this man could be very close to death. more striking is of course that we all look out the window as the bus speeds by on a 30 degree day.

I have been suffering as of late. I am torn between wanting to do something to better myself at my job, as a person, in my career, and thinking that wanting all of these things are incredibly selfish. My board meeting was distastrous and painful and reminded me that I am not confident and that I have a lot farther to go in professional development; it also reminded me that I don't want to be involved in the funding world forever. I have a good friend that is always involved in so many campaigns and always pushing himself; I, like so many other people I know, have an intense fear that if I stop for just a second, if I don't have a fatherly hand pushing me that I will cease all activity. I am tired of protesting for the sake of protesting. I feel like an updated version of the 11 year old that listened to Nirvana and wrote in my diary about how I'd never have friends in this cruel world. Maybe not so updated.

Big raves: fiona apple's new cd, which was leaked to salon (audiofile) fucking rocks! Jonathan Safran Foer rocks, bruce springsteen's speech at the induction of u2 into the rock and roll hall of fame rocked even in its awkward way, also very oddly moved me during my workout this evening. it's kind of confusing why i'm using the term "rocks". pizzeria paradiso, where i had a lovely dinner with a lovely friend, was scrumptious. life is good, despite the silly existential quandaries which make it almost worth continuing.

need to not be looking at a computer for a little while.

busy

Too busy to write, lots to write about...
check out this excellent article about the media coverage of this whole terri schiavo circus:
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2005/03/21/polls_on_schiavo/index1.html

Salon's coverage of it, like so many other issues, has been outstanding.

Between the SS bill, bankruptcy, and now this, I feel that the Republicans have to be losing ground among mainstream Americans. Recent appointments to the UN and World Bank? Losing ground in the rest of the world is an understatement too depressing to try to identify.

what a night

yay for california saying that banning gay marriage is unconstitutional! yay for americans finally disagreeing with the president's plans for destroying the social safety net! those are just wapo headlines, meaning that my day is brightened by just glancing at the wapo homepage.

my day needs brightening, largely because a bout of the weekend too much alcohol/weather's changing way too much/is listening to a lot of elliot smith damaging to your health? sniffles led me to take sudafed nighttime last night. BAD IDEA. i woke up about 12 times last night, afraid that i was suffocating, kicking off my blankets. i dreamt that this boy that i sleep with from time to time was sleeping with my engaged high school friend, and that i had to tell both of them some secrets of mine. i tried to convince myself that i wasn't in fact suffocating and that sleep would be preferable to my heart beating in my chest like it owes it money. yes, that medicine is supposed to help you SLEEP.

in other news, dread becomes me: our board meeting is coming up! at these, i and other staff have to justify our choices of organizations to fund to our highly irrational group of trustees. we have to answer questions which are unpredictable and generally insignificant, and apologize for not knowing enough if we don't have answers. we have to argue ideology and cloak our beliefs in centrist terms in order for them to even consider anything we have to say. let the good times roll! actually, this meeting should be pretty chill. i can lay back and feel competent, knowing that i am getting the best groups the resources they need, or at least playing some kind of role in that process.

somehow i have become someone I despise: a young "professional" woman out of a chick flick. i could have been carrie bradshaw this weekend (it pains me to type that). i agonized over two phone conversations with someone, and i would have dictated every word to my girlfriends from them to analyze if i didn't have at least the minor degree of self-restraint which is all that is separating me from "chick" oblivion. god help me.

Larry King, I never knew ya!

You know, I seem to remember the days when Larry King was an icon of sorts, the type of interviewer that would ask hard-hitting questions to politically or culturally relevant (yes, using bold makes it seem cool) subjects that everyone would want to hear. Maybe it was just because I was really young or something that I seem to think that Larry King is now a shadow of his former self! Last night I saw him interview Kirstie Alley, who was promoting her new show, "Fat Actress", which I also saw the premier of on Showtime. Wow. He still asked the hard questions, such as, "How did this happen?", to which she answered, "You mean how did I get fat????" Honestly, between the number of tabloids with article titles like "Kirstie's Battle of the Bulg", her book, and now her show, isn't there something more interesting in the world to talk about than Kirstie Alley's getting fat? And why did he ask every question as if it were interesting? Was that to somehow trick the audience into thinking that pondering how and why someone gained weight was of any consequence to their lives?

And what about Kirstie Alley, anyway? Showtime's lineup last night could have been self-hatred for fat people night, with Supersize Me coming on before Alley's premier. Her show began with an agonizing ten-minute sequence of her weeping on the floor, ample breasts spilling out of a silk robe, calling various people who told her honestly that yes, she was fat. An interesting career choice on her part. It's a brave move to make yourself the "butt" of an extended, public joke like that, but I can see how she might have chosen to with no other options. Still, though, the show basically reaffirms that woman's worth is intrinsically tied to her weight, and the way it promotes the morality of fatness (a thin woman is morally superior to a fat one) is particularly tiresome. This is why I don't watch TV.

Speaking of the media, has anyone else been disturbed by this recent Bush-loving orgy in terms of Middle East policy? So the Lebanese start protesting Syrian occupation after their former prime minister is killed and there's yet another cease fire. The Egyptian president decides to hold elections. Therefore, the occupation of Iraq and subsequent diplomacy by the bush admin. has resulted in a new wave of democracy in the Middle East!!!!!!!!!!!!! (some slightly more nuanced, but still illusrative examples here and here). Now, this type of praise has been somewhat more restrained since the Hezbollah demonstration. I am not saying that I am rooting for Hezbollah; Syria out of Lebanon would be great, and it's exciting that the Lebanese are out in the streets. I am not saying that I want the suicide bomber attacks and fence building to continue; a cease-fire and some semblance of peace between Israel and Palestine would be something that I never thought I'd see in my lifetime. I would like to point out that I think it's dangerous to make assumptions about cause and effect the way the Bush admin is especially brilliant at doing, but even more dangerous to have the media process and blur the difference between these as truth. This is how it works:
Lebanese clamor for Syria out of Lebanon gets translated to Lebanese incited by the spirit of democracy (I am too lazy to find a bush quote, but that about sums it up), which then is shown as a reflection of the democratic spirit taking hold in the middle east, which by extension, is obviously a result of U.S. policies which have been trying to get that spirit to take hold after all! So what does that all mean? Bush was right!!! (about what is generally left to the imagination. It's sort of a blanket type of statement...)

Hmmm. Hezbollah and the counter-movement aside, this analysis leaves a couple of questions in my mind. First of all, how do a few protests, following a symbolic and blatant assassination, equal democracy on the rise? What does democracy mean, as Zakaria asks, and what would it mean within the context of a place like Lebanon, a place that's been having elections for years? (I have to be honest here, I don't know that much about it in particular...) Second of all, aren't there a few inconsistencies here with regards to our approach to other places? What about the Haitian military killing protesters asking for a return of their democratically elected leader?Aren't there protests democracy in the rise? Third, how is democracy like a disease (well, a happy disease, maybe a contact high?) that everyone catches and just becomes? Isn't there some kind of work you gotta do to put it in place, and doesn't that work have to come from the people of those places? At what point do you signal that there is "democracy" in a place, and at what point can you establish that it has things like rule of law and everything else needed to make it workable?

This isn't a new tactic, this blurring of the links between bits of information and the lack of detail that the media presents us with. It seems particularly insiduous, however, as this was the same media that convinced so many that there was a link between Al Qaeda and Iraq, weapons of mass destruction, successful elections in Iraq, and the list goes on.

As I said before, as liberals we have to be very careful to not make it seem that we are wanting this promising "trend", if we are to accept this notion, to fail. We have to be clear in that what we are arguing against is the media complacency to accept the Bush administration's framing of recent positive events in the Middle East as direct consequences of his policies, declaring victory as they did over the elections in Iraq. Juan Cole of course has a much more educated analysis.
http://www.juancole.com/

fell on black days

This morning, I woke up very early after having a dream that I had gone on a wonderful date with this guy that I went on a mediocre date with. How depressing is that? In the dream, he gave me his undivided attention and seemed generally interested in me. He also seemed comfortable with physical touch, that is, with taking our relationship to the next level. In real life, we had an okay time, but I am getting that sinking feeling. It can't be in my head, he's disappeared twice already. Sure, he's come back. But he said he was "tired", and really, I couldn't help but think that he was bored. Maybe I'm just so stressed out by this point about it that I can't really enjoy his company. I guess I wanted someone that really wanted me, and he doesn't seem to be that person. Back to the drawing board, here I go again on my own, blah blah blah. I made my roommate play the title song for me (she's a big early to mid nineties music fan) so I could get out of bed.

What a depressing way to start the day, no, the week!

on craigslist and macchiatos.

What is it about craigslist's rants and raves that is so addictive? Every time I read it I hate humanity a little more. It makes me hate everyone i pass on the street, thinking that it might be them that posted the "i hate fat girls" post (well, one out of the 50 of that kind posted every day). I like to hide behind the "I like to read it to see what people are really thinking when they can hide behind an anonymous posting board" excuse, but really, I think if I really thought about why I like reading it, I'd be disturbed.

Why is it so hard to make an appointment to get a bikini wax? I don't like to have to plan farther in advance than 2 days. Jeez.

Also, why is it that whenever I order a macchiato in a non-starbucks cafe such as tryst or sparky's, they always make a big deal about explaining to me what a macchiato is?? "Oh, you know that a macchiato just has espresso and foam, right? It's not like the ones at starbucks." Well, just because I look like a fucking yuppy doesn't mean that I go to starbucks! Jeez again.

Want to know what's sad? When the day is going verrrrrrrry slowly, I live to see the little envelope on my computer. Sometimes I won't open an e-mail just so that it can stay there longer.

The DC Independent Film Festival has started! Too bad it is expensive, but I think worth shelling out for. The only problem is, there's so much going on, I'm only going to be able to choose a few things! How will I know?? What agony. What will happen if I end up paying money for a film that I DON'T LIKE??????

oh yeah, i created this blog

so, a few months ago i decided it would be cool to have a blog. i was going to make many astute observations about politics, especially dc politics. this was pre-election, i was full of youthful, naive energy, the way all of us were, right? the title comes from a saul alinsky quote. oh, the folly of youth!

i have since found other outlets for my astute political opinions, which like so many others in dc, basically come down to a recitation of everyone else's tired ideas, with an earnestness i secretly hope makes up for my lack of originality. i could probably rehash like 5 common discussions here if i wanted. example:

1) what's wrong with the democrats?
answer a
from: disillusioned but still optimistic moderate
well, we have the right ideas that connect with the American people, we just need to emphasize them in terms that the American people can understand. We need to couch our beliefs in moral terms. We need to do more outreach to the common people.
answer b
from: left of moderate center politico
the democrats need to stop trying to appeal to the middle and stay strong on the issues that are important to us. we need to speak out against the war and for gay marriage. what hurt kerry wasn't that he was too far to the left, but that he wasn't bold enough to represent what those of us on the left believe in. we're never going to win over the red staters by pretending to agree with them, so we should just keep on fighting for what we do, as disagreeable as it may be.
answer c
from: anarchist/radical
there isn't really any difference between democrats or republicans. the democrats are still the ones that brought us nafta and welfare reform, still support the imperial regime Israel, etc. etc. maybe throw at least one of the following words in: fascist, corporate, conformist. fuck the government.

throw in some cheap red wine and some homemade vegetarian/vegan delicacies, maybe some soft music, maybe marvin gaye or something to be slightly ironic, and you've got the average dc dinner party. not too thrilling, but i still get my kicks from it.

i guess what im trying to say is that i'm not really going to be adding anything to any political discourse, so i'm not really going to try. besides, that idea intimidated me too much, and i thus spent several months forgetting that i had a blog.

there are some political developments that should be of note though:
a) the roper v. simmons decision--i wouldn't even qualify it as a dent in the monstrosity that is our criminal justice system, but hey, not executing 16 year olds is something that i'm happy we as a nation have decided it's beneath us to do
b) speaking of criminal justice, vinny schiraldi and mark soler's new positions...so the dc govt.'s criminal justice system might be getting reform real soon...are they ready for it?
c) adrien fenty running for mayor. he's gonna have to be a lot more moderate to win. but hey, i'll vote for him no matter what, if only to get to see his beautiful face everywhere.
d) social security/iraq; too much to say, already been said before. see above. still important to think about.
e) "cow urine touted as cure-all" don't know what that's about, just saw the title on the msn page that comes with my hotmail. probably important to someone.

a few personal observations
a) i'm getting more absentminded everyday. i just went to get water from the staff kitchen. i came back to my desk, no more water. went into the staff kitchen, saw my cup sitting there, looking abandoned and disheartened.
b) i am more like my mother every day. looking for jeans the other day, i was in a store with like 5 mirrors set up, so you can see what your body looks like from the back. not only do i have my mother's ass, but her waist, her thighs, even my face looking back at me looked like her. i have always known that i act like her, but it was sobering to realize that her genes are so pervasive in my being that i will in a few years basically be her. this scares me because i, like many neophytes in this dog eat dog world, am terrified of loneliness, which she exemplifies to me. she calls herself a misanthrope, though. i just hope i find love somewhere, preferably from other people.
c) i am bad at not obsessing over people.
d) it's 9:53. just got the following email from my boss
Meeting at 10:00 AM today with __________ if you're interested.

Sorry for late notice ...

i guess that about wraps this up!
peace in the middle east.