I miss the Daily Show!
I wish I could watch it at work, too distracting. The one and only reason why I miss the TV. Now, everyone is complaining about the new studio, and I have not seen it! I haven't even seen it recently enough so that I remember what the old studio looks like, really.
I am always terrified of liking people. How fucking boring and ordinary is that? The only thing worse than the actual fear of commitment itself (well, the only thing worse in this relative not so bad level of badness) is the mundaneness of having this fear. This boy that I'm getting close to... jeez. We were having some wonderful conversations, and now all of a sudden I'm shutting down, like in those action movies where they have like 2 minutes to shut down some machine, the act of which will save the world. Except that I'm not saving the world. It is like a button though, and just as dramatic. Anyway, this boy (really, he's fucking 34, I should say man), and I were talking last night and I became so quiet I wanted to slap myself. Whenever this happens, I get really mad at myself and tell myself to speak, but then I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure, and I don't perform well under pressure, so I shut down even more. It's a vicious cycle! I wish he had come to visit me so that we could have fucked my fears away, or at least filled the silence with heavy breathing. But he strikes me as the kind of person that doesn't like to run away from fear, and too honest to keep having sex without getting closer emotionally. Damn maturity.
All this reminds me of another obsession, similar to the memory obsession: my disconnect between my self-image and the perception the outside world has of me. This all started when I had to undergo communications training for work. We would videotape each session, and then watch the video again and analyze my communication skills. Anyway, I was struck by: a) how dead my face looks; b) the ugly face which is my default position...my "nothing" face and c) how bad my posture is. Not the best for my self-image, but good to know what to work on. I still have much to do. My former roommate used to always think I was crazy when we would get home from a social gathering and I would fret over the things I said and did not say, always trying to impress on me how little other people noticed the things that were the source of great anxiety for me. This has increased at least tenfold since venturing into a new world, where the "you" that you project to everyone else defines "you". How does one reconcile self-image with outer image? Does it happen naturally as you gain maturity and confidence? Does the "fake it till you make it" strategy work? Anyway, all this is to say that I couldn't tell last night whether or not he noticed that I was quieter than usual, but in any event, my stressing about it made it worse than it needed to be, and if anything, he might have picked up on my anxiety. But being stressed about being stressed is counterproductive. Aaaahhh!
I am always terrified of liking people. How fucking boring and ordinary is that? The only thing worse than the actual fear of commitment itself (well, the only thing worse in this relative not so bad level of badness) is the mundaneness of having this fear. This boy that I'm getting close to... jeez. We were having some wonderful conversations, and now all of a sudden I'm shutting down, like in those action movies where they have like 2 minutes to shut down some machine, the act of which will save the world. Except that I'm not saving the world. It is like a button though, and just as dramatic. Anyway, this boy (really, he's fucking 34, I should say man), and I were talking last night and I became so quiet I wanted to slap myself. Whenever this happens, I get really mad at myself and tell myself to speak, but then I'm putting myself under a lot of pressure, and I don't perform well under pressure, so I shut down even more. It's a vicious cycle! I wish he had come to visit me so that we could have fucked my fears away, or at least filled the silence with heavy breathing. But he strikes me as the kind of person that doesn't like to run away from fear, and too honest to keep having sex without getting closer emotionally. Damn maturity.
All this reminds me of another obsession, similar to the memory obsession: my disconnect between my self-image and the perception the outside world has of me. This all started when I had to undergo communications training for work. We would videotape each session, and then watch the video again and analyze my communication skills. Anyway, I was struck by: a) how dead my face looks; b) the ugly face which is my default position...my "nothing" face and c) how bad my posture is. Not the best for my self-image, but good to know what to work on. I still have much to do. My former roommate used to always think I was crazy when we would get home from a social gathering and I would fret over the things I said and did not say, always trying to impress on me how little other people noticed the things that were the source of great anxiety for me. This has increased at least tenfold since venturing into a new world, where the "you" that you project to everyone else defines "you". How does one reconcile self-image with outer image? Does it happen naturally as you gain maturity and confidence? Does the "fake it till you make it" strategy work? Anyway, all this is to say that I couldn't tell last night whether or not he noticed that I was quieter than usual, but in any event, my stressing about it made it worse than it needed to be, and if anything, he might have picked up on my anxiety. But being stressed about being stressed is counterproductive. Aaaahhh!
posted by Brynne at 11:48 AM
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